The Complete Gym Personality Guide

By Nick Nilsson
Author of 30-Second Ab-Solution

 

Sometimes, when a person sets foot inside the gym, they turn into a whole other person.

If you've been to pretty much any gym in the world, you are sure to recognize the people you're about to read about...

 

1. I Soaked In It.

You can detect this person coming before they even set foot inside the door of the gym. Little tip: it's fine to wear a little perfume or cologne to the gym but don't soak your clothes in it. Have a shower instead.

 

2. Obsessive Compulsive Rep Counter

Like a meditation mantra, the numbers get counted until the specific magic number has been reached. To really have some fun, stand behind this person as they do their set and start saying random numbers out loud as they count.

 

3. Leisure Suit Larry In Gym Shorts

Looking for love in all the wrong places. Often a cologne-soaker and always on the prowl, even constant and harsh rejection from every single female he encounters (including the potted plants) doesn't seem to slow Larry down.

 

4. Don't Make Me Lift That Heavy Thing

If you've ever watched someone monopolize the 2-pound neoprene dumbbells for 20 minutes, you've seen this person in action. Fear of developing massive, icky-looking, veiny muscles from even looking at anything heavier than a Rice Krispie Treat keeps this person away from the weights that actually have numbers written on them. I've seen a person like this straining with a novelty dumbbell pen.

 

5. You Don't Need A Jack For That Car Now That I'm Here

Cinch that weight belt up until you look like a big red Pop 'n Fresh doughboy in a corset, it's time to do 3 inch, hunched-over, bowl-legged, shaky-leg squats. There's something to be said for lifting within your means (and for not cinching your weight belt up so tight that you mess yourself during a set).

 

6. Where's The Ashtray For This Treadmill?

You can always spot the person who's at the gym against their will and under doctors orders. They are doing as little as possible as slowly as possible and are always looking for somebody to work in with them so that they can stop.

 

7. The Bouncy Bench Press Crew

Young males travelling in packs of 3 or more, hogging the bench press for uncounted sets of trampoline-like reps with far too much weight while their training partners yell "it's all you" as though it really is. I hear the concave chest look is "in" this year...

 

8. Please Don't Wear That

Some people simply should NOT wear spandex and I can't figure out why they do. I'll leave it at that.

 

9. The Brick Wall

No matter how much anybody tells this person that the exercise they're doing is going to shatter their spine, they continue to pigheadedly do it anyway because their 9th grade gym teacher taught it to them 26 years ago.

 

10. The Beast

You'll often see this person banging their head against the concrete wall to psych themselves up for a set because "drywall is just too soft."

 

11. The Mountain Man

Apparently, he just walked in from taking down some trees in the backcountry and didn't have time to change out of his dirty sweatpants, flannel shirt and work boots before heading to the gym.

 

12. The Gym Bunny

If you're not in the gym for a serious workout, but to set the stair machine on 1 and try desperately hard not to sweat and mess up your precious hair and makeup, hop yourself out the door. Leisure Suit Larry is hanging out in the parking lot waiting someone... ANYONE.

 

13. Taking Up Space

If you've been to a gym and watched somebody just kind of standing around looking lost, then you've seen this type. They work their way slowly from one end of the gym to the other, getting in the way and doing a few half-hearted dumbbell curls every 10 minutes.

 

14. The Copycat

You can have some fun with the Copycat. When you notice them watching what you're doing (because you know they're going to copy you), do something extremely goofy and pretend that it works incredibly well. Chances are, when you've moved on to your next exercise, the Copycat is going to try it. Just like dueling banjos.

 

15. The Hindenburg

If you're having gastrointestinal difficulties, don't do squats (or sit-ups). That just doesn't work out well for anybody.

 

16. The Wannabe Powerlifter

Powerlifting is a tremendous sport. Watching somebody who is trying to powerlift but doesn't know how and is doing it all wrong can be tremendously funny. If you've ever watched somebody cinch a belt up so tight they look like a wasp then do a knee-buckling quarter squat with way too much weight, you know what I'm talking about.

 

17. The Pro

"There is only one right way to do things and everything else everybody does is all wrong and I'm the only who knows what they're doing and if you don't like it I'm going to take my dumbbells and go home."

 

18. The Ignorant Personal Trainer

Every gym has them and I don't have any idea how they slip through the cracks. They teach bad exercises and poor form to unfortunate clients who just don't know any better. Then they answer their cell phone while they're spotting.

 

19. Fountainhead

Stop hogging the water fountain and let someone else have a turn. Fill up your water bottle at home - don't stand there for five minutes while the trickle from the fountain slowly fills your gallon jug. That goes double for backwashing into the fountain.

 

20. Mr. (or Mrs.) Sweaty Bench

If you sweat so much that you slide off the back end a FLAT bench when you lie down, bring a towel, for crying out loud! And please, please, PLEASE wipe it off when you're done. Don't make me have to invent a standing bench press exercise.

 

21. The Inventor

Sometimes new exercises or techniques work and sometimes they land you right on your head. The Inventor will get back up and try again, sometimes performing the most incredibly effective movements you've never seen. I know because I am an Inventor! But put together a bad Inventor and a Copycat and you've got trouble.

 

22. The Houseguest

If you've ever seen someone walk into the gym carrying a gym bag big enough to stash a body in and full of so much stuff that they could live on an island for a month, you've seen the Houseguest at work. Three hours later, when they leave the gym, they even have the keys to lock up.

 

23. Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

No need to carry that dumbbell to your bench, just roll it. After all, that's why they're round, right?

 

24. Beyond B.O.

It's not a crime to take a shower. If a cloud follows you around like Pig Pen in the Charlie Brown comics, you may want to look into that bathing thing.

 

 


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