By Nick Nilsson
Author of 30-Second Ab-Solution
It's simply not fair that we should be made to feel guilty about what what we eat by such judgemental and negative-sounding terms like "junk food," "sugary snack," "quadruple bypass" or "colon cancer."
This is especially true since I've also found that a person can lose as much fat as they want eating foods that most "experts" (like doctors, physicians, cardiologists, podiatrists, dieticians and sometimes even nutritionists) would consider a heart attack on a plate. My theories will prove that these colon-stoppers can be instantly transformed into health foods.
In this installment, I delve even deeper into the theories that can take the greasiest pile of food and make it into fat-shredding diet fodder.
1. Eat foods that are so greasy that they are constantly slipping out of your hands or out of the back of the bread.
The simple act of picking your food up after it's slid out of your hands burns a tremendous amount of calories both in activity and in frustration. The greasier it is, the more often it'll slip and the more calories you'll burn.
This especially true of greasy hamburgers that have 3 or more patties stacked one on top of another (1 or 2 patties is not enough to get the greatest results so be sure to get the largest hamburger available - and no lettuce or tomato...they'll just slow the meat down).
When each bite slides half the sandwich out the back end, you know you've got prime diet food. Stuff it back in and feel the burn (from the hot grease).
2. Foods that are served on a stick are a good source of fiber
The humble corn dog is a prime example of a high fiber food because it's usually served on a wooden stick. In theory, the fiber found in the wood makes its way into the mush of the dog inside the corn, dramatically increasing the useful splinter, I mean, fiber content of the dog. Even a Fudgesicle, following this to its logical conclusion, is packed with fiber. Chewing on the stick when you're done is even MORE effective.
3. Do most of your grocery shopping in the "impulse buy" areas of the grocery store
These "impulse buy" areas are the racks by the register and the end-caps at the end of each aisle. Large grocery store chains have nothing but our best health in mind. They would NEVER put anything unhealthy for us on prominent display where we would be most likely to buy it. They simply don't think that way.
Profit is secondary to good health, therefore all foods that are on end-caps and set by the register are there to ensure that we have the best access to the healthiest foods possible. That's why the fruits and vegetables are always tucked away against the wall in the back corner of the store.
All those things do is fill you up and provide essential nutrients that can be better gotten as additives to low-carb chocolate puff cookies.
4. Our friend, the cheeseburger
The perfect diet food, the cheeseburger combines the slippage advantage that I mentioned above with the abundant calcium found in the cheese. Calcium has been shown to help increase fat loss, especially when served on white bread.
The high fat content also helps keep you feeling full for long periods of time so you don't feel hungry (or "regular") for a long time after. When eaten at lunch, this saves precious calories that you might later in the day be tempted to throw away on fish or salad.
5. Whole grain kids cereals are a step in the wrong direction
No child has ever gotten fat from eating 6 bowls of Sugar Crisp with sugar scooped on top? I have yet to have somebody give me the gist of a study that says that sugary cereals will do anything but reduce attention span and cause diabetes and chronic hyperactivity. Whole grain kids cereal is just a tease.
Cap'n Crunch is crunchy. Vegetables are crunchy. I rest my case.
6. No-calorie custard is all in your mind
Custard rhymes with mustard. Mustard has no calories. When you eat custard, tell your body that you're eating mustard. The calories will simply evaporate.
7. Preservatives and antibiotics in food are good for you
I would be remiss if I overlooked the amazing anti-aging properties of a good nitrate-filled package of mystery lunchmeat. Preservatives have been proven in several studies that I forget the names of to prolong life and increase health and prevent some other stuff. Heck, I wipe my counter with a handful of baloney - the antibiotics in the meat kill everything on it better than Lysol.
8. Inflated Seafood
Nothing like a good case of food poisoning to help you lose weight FAST...you will poop yourself thin in no time.
In conclusion, let me just finish by saying don't believe any of this...or DO any of this.
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