Tenderizing
Meat and Other Uses
for Home Exercise Equipment
Have
a piece of home exercise equipment that's collecting dust?
Give it new life with these handy tips!
Almost everyone has bought home exercise equipment at
some point in their life, be it a few rusty dumbells at
a garage sale all the way to a complicated new home gym.
But
how many people continue to use it consistently? Here
are some uses (that you should never, ever actually take
seriously, of course!) you may not have thought of for
your forgotten purchases.
1. Dumbells - The original dark basement booby
trap.
- Dumbells
make great children's toys. They are, of course, heavier
and more dangerous than a barbie doll or Play-Doh (tm)
and are not really as exciting as a video game but they
certainly are cheap and hard to break.
- Tenderizing
meat - bash the meat with the dumbell repeatedly. Great
shoulder and arm exercise too! May increase the iron
content of your food significantly.
- Bowling
- set them on end and use them as pins. You will need
a really heavy ball for this.
2. Ab Rollers - These are the abdominal training
devices that feature a head rest attached to a frame that
you set your arms on so you can rock, rock, rock your
way to six-pack abs.
- Roll
cage for a toboggan - for the safety-minded parent.
Protect your child from the heartbreak of a rollover
accident on the sled hill by having him or her carry
this while going down. Nevermind that they won't be
able steer because they're holding onto the thing...
- Tenderizing
meat - lay the meat down below the head rest and rock
violently back and forth on top of it.
- Baby
toy hanger - nothing good on tv? Hook some old christmas
tree ornaments from the top crossbar and set your baby
underneath. You'll both be amused for hours!
3. Thighmaster (tm) - popularized by Suzanne Somers,
no closet is complete without this device. You simply
set it between your legs and squeeze!
- Keeps
doors closed - jam it in the corner behind a door. When
you open the door, it squeezes the spring. When you
release the door, the stored tension closes the door
automatically behind you! At 40 miles per hour!!!
- Tenderizing
meat - set the meat on the counter, squeeze the Thighmaster
shut with your hands then release the spring on top
of the meat like a bear trap.
4. The Ab-Doer (tm) - This is the chair-like ab
training device that resembles a chair with no back.
- Tenderizing
meat - of course, to accomplish this you'll have to
throw the meat at it really hard.
- Playing
practical jokes on drunk friends - sit them in the machine
then tell them to watch you as you run around it a few
times and you'll see what I mean.
- Pretending
you're Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise - set
phasers on "useless."
5. The Bowflex (tm) - This is a popular home exercise
machine that utilizes the incredible power of bending
things to sculpt your body.
- Conversation
piece - the classic display of this machine in the corner
of your living room is sure to spur discussion. "You
have how many payments left on this thing?"
- Tenderizing
meat - remove one of the bows and slap the meat silly
with it.
- Burglar
deterrant - set the machine in front of a ground floor
window with all of the bows rigged up to the latch.
Be sure the thief signs a waiver before attempting to
open the window, however, as he's going to get up to
410 pounds of resistance right where it counts.
6. Electric Ab Training Belts - Electrocute your
way to a flatter stomach!
- Unfortunately,
they aren't very good for keeping your pants up, so
that's out of the question.
- Place
mat/food warmer - somebody running late for dinner?
Set their plate on it and turn up the juice!
-
Memorabilia - write the words "Golden Gloves"
on it and set it on the mantle right next to your "Big
Mouth Billy Bass (tm)" singing plastic fish!
- Tenderizing
meat - set the meat on the counter, place the belt on
top of it, turn it to the highest level, then lean down
on it with all your weight as it tenderizes and sears
at the same time!
- Driving
safety gear - does your spouse have a tendency to get
sleepy at the wheel? That's a thing of the past when
they've got the belt on and you've got the controls
in your hand...
7. And last but not least, every piece of equipment that
has handles, bars, hooks, stacks, pins, corners, rails,
seats, clips, stands or attachments and does or does not
come in a box...
CLOTHES
HANGER!
