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If
you've been training for any length of time, you
know there are certain shortcomings in the products
that are available at the moment. The following
is a list of products that I think someone someone
should invent. I think a person could make a million
dollars with these ideas!
1. The Gasless Protein Shake
If
you're familiar with the gastric rumblings that
occur soon after taking a big protein shake, you
know how popular this item would be. It will also
keep those pesky Environmental Protection Agency
people off your back with their "industrial
emissions violation" warnings.
2. Bench Press Air Bag Shirt
For
the bouncing bencher...helps prevent rib crackage.
The air bag inflates automatically when it detects
terminal velocity on the bar.
3. The Sweat Alarm
Most
useful in a commercial gym, simply attach one
of these to each machine. When the electrodes
detect sweat left on a machine after a person
is done and that person starts to walk away, a
loud alarm goes off and pepper sprays them.
4. Self-Cleaning Spit Mirror
This
mirror is most useful in front of the squat rack.
When a set is done, sensors determine the amount
of spit that has appeared on the mirror then sends
a squirt of cleaner and a squeegee down the surface.
5. Lister-prot-ine
A combination
of Listerine mouth wash and protein powder, this
supplement leaves your mouthy minty fresh instead
of tasting like nasty rotten milk. Your friends
and loved ones will thank you for it!
6. The Smart-A** Weight Belt For The Dumb-A**
Trainer With Optional Shock Attachment
Simply
put on this belt and sensors with pre-recorded
messages tell you in no uncertain terms when you're
doing something stupid that you're going to hurt
yourself with. The optional shock attachment works
like the invisible fence shock collar you put
on a dog to keep in in the yard. When you break
form, the belt tells you what it thinks of you
then sends a sharp shock up your spine. You'll
never round your back over when doing squats again!
7. The Timer-Spray Fountain With Backwash Detector
Tired
of people taking way too long at the water fountain
when there's a line? Tired of people backwashing
into it? Fix that with the Timer-Spray Fountain
with Backwash Detector. If a person takes too
long or if the fountain detects backwash, a spray
of water shoots out at the person to make it look
like they wet their pants. Curbs annoying behavior
very rapidly!
8. The OverFragranced/B.O. Biohazard Shower
This
machine operates much like a metal detector/electronic
sniffer. As people leave the changeroom, the machine
determines whether they're wearing too much cologne
or perfume, if they've got rampant B.O. (or Beyond
B.O.), or some eye-watering combination of both.
Powerful jets of water immediately rinse the excess
aroma away.
9. Barbell Curl Rack
This
unique rack gives the barbell curlers an option
instead of hogging the squat rack. Because it's
just too hard to pick up that dang heavy bar all
the way from the floor...
10. Ego Alert Siren
This
clip-on attachment for barbells (most useful in
the bench press) automatically detects the speed
of the bar on the way down. If the downward velocity
exceeds a certain pre-set limit, the Ego Alert
automatically goes off, alerting everyone in the
immediate 10 square mile radius that you're trying
to use more weight than you should be. Also available:
optional laugh track to discourage further Alerts.
11. Chicken Leg Filler Pants
Designed
for those sporting the always trendy "riding-a-chicken"
look, these pants for the "upper-body-only"
trainer are stuffed with high-density foam padding
to make your legs look proportioned to the rest
of your body. Great for fending off attack dogs,
too.
12. GPS Workout Enforcer
This
gadget utilizes Global Positioning satellites
and beacons attached to the equipment in your
gym to track your location in the gym and remind
you when you've been neglecting certain tiny,
little nuisance bodyparts such as your entire
lower body.
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If
you do happen to take any of the ideas and run
with them, you're certainly welcome to share the
proceeds!
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