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In
my years as a trainer, I've found that it's simply
not fair that we should be limited and made to
feel guilty about what what we eat by such horribly
judgemental and negative-sounding terms like "junk
food," "sugary snack," "quadruple
bypass" or "colon cancer."
This
is especially true since I've also found that
a person can lose as much fat as they want eating
foods that most "experts" (like doctors,
physicians, cardiologists, podiatrists, dieticians
and sometimes even nutritionists) would consider
a heart attack on a plate. My theories will prove
that these colon-stoppers can be instantly transformed
into health foods!
In
a previous article "Pizza,
French Fries, Beer and Other Diet Foods,"
I eloquently dispatched many of the myths commonly
associated with so-called "junk foods."
In
this installment, I delve even deeper into the
theories that can take the greasiest pile of food
and make it into fat-shredding diet fodder.
1. Eat foods that are so greasy
that they are constantly slipping out of your
hands or out of the back of the bread.
The
simple act of picking your food up after it's
slid out of your hands burns a tremendous amount
of calories both in activity and in frustration.
The greasier it is, the more often it'll slip
and the more calories you'll burn.
This
especially true of greasy hamburgers that have
3 or more patties stacked one on top of another
(1 or 2 patties is not enough to get the greatest
results so be sure to get the largest hamburger
available - and no lettuce or tomato...they'll
just slow the meat down).
When
each bite slides half the sandwich out the back
end, you know you've got prime diet food. Stuff
it back in and feel the burn (from the hot grease,
that is!).
2. Foods that are served on
a stick are a good source of fiber
The
humble corn dog is a prime example of a high fiber
food because it's usually served on a wooden stick.
In theory, the fiber found in the wood makes its
way into the mush of the dog inside the corn,
dramatically increasing the useful splinter, I
mean, fiber content of the dog. Even a Fudgesicle,
following this to its logical conclusion, is packed
with fiber. Chewing on the stick when you're done
is even MORE effective.
3. Do most of your grocery shopping
in the "impulse buy" areas of the grocery
store
These
"impulse buy" areas are the racks by
the register and the end-caps at the end of each
aisle. Large grocery store chains have nothing
but our best health in mind. They would NEVER
put anything unhealthy for us on prominent display
where we would be most likely to buy it. They
simply don't think that way.
Profit
is secondary to good health, therefore all foods
that are on end-caps and set by the register are
there to ensure that we have the best access to
the healthiest foods possible. That's why the
fruits and vegetables are always tucked away against
the wall in the back corner of the store.
All
those things do is fill you up and provide essential
nutrients that can be better gotten as additives
to low-carb chocolate puff cookies.
4. Our friend, the cheeseburger
The
perfect diet food, the cheeseburger combines the
slippage advantage that I mentioned above with
the abundant calcium found in the cheese. Calcium
has been shown to help increase fat loss, especially
when served on white bread.
The
high fat content also helps keep you feeling full
for long periods of time so you don't feel hungry
(or "regular") for a long time after.
When eaten at lunch, this saves precious calories
that you might later in the day be tempted to
throw away on fish or salad.
5. Whole grain kids cereals
are a step in the wrong direction
No
child has ever gotten fat from eating 6 bowls
of Sugar Crisp with sugar scooped on top? I have
yet to have somebody give me the gist of a study
that says that sugary cereals will do anything
but reduce attention span and cause diabetes and
chronic hyperactivity. Whole grain kids cereal
is just a tease.
Cap'n
Crunch is crunchy. Vegetables are crunchy. I rest
my case.
6. No-calorie custard is all
in your mind
Custard
rhymes with mustard. Mustard has no calories.
When you eat custard, tell your body that you're
eating mustard. The calories will simply evaporate.
7. Preservatives and antibiotics
in food are good for you
I would
be remiss if I overlooked the amazing anti-aging
properties of a good nitrate-filled package of
mystery lunchmeat. Preservatives have been proven
in several studies that I forget the names of
to prolong life and increase health and prevent
some other stuff. Heck, I wipe my counter with
a handful of baloney - the antibiotics in the
meat kill everything on it better than Lysol!
In conclusion, let me just finish by saying "don't
believe a word I just said."
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