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Nothing
gets on my nerves more than things being passed
off as something they're not, especially when
it comes to health and fitness. If you've read
my previous
rants, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Now I've got even more stuff on my mind.
1. "Eat Whatever You Want
And Still Lose Weight" Fat Loss Pills and
Carb Blockers
What
a wonderful message to send to the millions of
people out there trying to lose weight. You don't
need to watch what you eat or exercise...just
take this little pill and you can eat frosted
Twinkies stuffed with hot dogs and not gain a
pound.
Never
mind what all this terrible stuff is doing to
your insides, there's also the vicious cycle of
loss and regain that diet pill manufacturers build
their entire businesses on: you eat like crap
so you get fat then you take a pill so you can
keep eating like crap while losing weight. When
you don't take the pill and continue to eat like
crap, you get fat and depressed and need to take
the pills again. What better way to sell something
than to create a physical and emotional dependence
on it!
Now
I'm not saying the general population shouldn't
know better than to fall for this but there is
a reason that toothpicks and shampoo come with
instructions on the back and why hair dryers come
with a warning not to operate while standing in
a pool of water.
Here's
a thought, and pardon me if I'm out of line, if
you can't eat it unless you take a pill to stop
it from being digested by your body, perhaps maybe,
just maybe, you shouldn't be eating it in the
first place...
2. "Certified" Personal
Trainers Who Have No Business Training People
When
I say this, I want you to know I've got nothing
against certified personal trainers - I am one!
I just don't like watching a "certified trainer"
make a trusting beginner do Behind-The-Neck Close
Grip Lunging One-Arm Upright Bent-Over Swinging
Barbell Presses while he or she stands there and
counts the number of times the weight moves up
and down.
It
takes a little more than a two-hour seminar and
a polo shirt with the name of the gym printed
on the front to make a person a qualified personal
trainer.
3. Fitness Instructors Who Eat
Donuts In Front of Clients
Just
because you're 20 years old and could metabolize
vulcanized rubber doesn't mean you should eat
a bag of chips or donuts in front of people who
are desperately trying to lose weight by taking
a class that you are teaching and who are looking
to you as a role model! If you want to eat junk,
fine, just do it on your own time. When your habits
catch up with you in a few years (and they will),
there will always be fat loss pills and carb blockers
to fall back on...
4. Weight-Loss-Due-To-Illness Envy
Have
you ever been really, really sick, dropped 10
or 20 pounds in a week, then had some knucklehead
come up to you afterward and say "I wish
I could get sick like you so I could lose weight."
Start
with the fat in your head! How come these people
never get their wish?
5. Sad But True - Sh** Yourself
Thin
Another
brilliant way to lose weight. Take laxatives with
every meal so that you don't keep ANYTHING in
you for longer than a few minutes. Just go eat
3-day-old fast food cheeseburgers every meal -
you'll get the same general effect.
6. Losing Weight By Wearing
Lighter and Lighter Clothing Every Time You Weigh
Yourself
This
is just kind of funny but I've seen it happen.
Start by wearing heavy winter clothing and weigh
yourself. Next week, take off the jacket - you've
lost 5 pounds! Congratulations! Go with the snow
pants next week. Another 3 pounds. The sweater
goes next - 2 more pounds. When you get down to
pajama bottoms and a tank top, be careful...you
may have to start exercising :)
7. Food That's Only 10% Real
How
can a juice call itself a juice if it's only got
10% real juice? Can I pay for the juice with 10%
real money? How come they don't advertise it as
90% fake? Some say it's half empty, some say it's
half full. I say it's only 10% real. Who's to
say who's right?
8. The Diet Patch Again Because
It's Just So Stupid
I just
saw another ad for this thing the other day. "Burn
500 calories an hour!" If you think your
metabolism is going to go that fast from a simple,
useless patch, get yourself to the emergency room.
Sign a blank check and hand it to them. Tell them
to do whatever they want to you because you'll
believe whatever they tell you.
9. Cereal Bars "With All The Nutrition
of a Bowl of Cereal"
And
all the high fructose corn syrup of a can of Coke.
And all the fiber of a piece of gum. And all the
preservatives of a jar of jelly. If they want
to impress me, they should base these cereal bars
on cereals that are actually GOOD for you to start
with!
10. Women Appearing in "Shape"
Magazine Who Have Never Touched a Weight in Their
Life
I guess
when they say "shape" they really don't
specify exactly what "shape" that may
be. Marshmallows have shape. Twinkies have shape.
There may be women out there who aspire to the
ideal of not having any muscle tone, but they
probably aren't buying this magazine - they're
using it to prop up the short leg of their couch.
Call
me crazy but I think a magazine that is about
health and fitness should have pictures of people
who are actually healthy and fit.
11. Low Carb Hershey Bars
The
day I saw one of these on the candy rack was the
day I knew the low-carb craze had truly gone too
far. Eating low-carb is not about carefully plotting
out how crappy you can eat while still keeping
your carb count low, as many food manufacturers
seem to think.
Eating
low-carb is about improving your health and lowering
your bodyfat by eating naturally low-carb foods,
not about how many grams of the sugar alcohol
"gottapoopitol" you can cram into some
nasty, chewy, foul-tasting imitation chocolate
bar.
12. Supplement Companies That
Disguise Their Bottles As Prescription Medication
While
some companies rely on fancy pictures and hype
to sell their products, other companies make the
packaging generic and resembling a powerful prescription
medication. Guess what? The stuff still doesn't
work. It just looks like it does.
When
is a fat loss pill worth $150 a bottle? When the
bottle is stuffed with 5 twenties and a fifty.
13. People Who Jump On A Diet
Bandwagon Then Bash Others For Not Eating Like
They Do
My
thanks to Dustin J. for giving me the idea for
this one:
Just
because you are eating low-carb doesn't mean that
everybody else in the world is an idiot when they
bite into an apple. Eating low-carb certainly
works. So does eating low fat. Heck, you could
lose weight on an all-chocolate diet because you'll
get so sick of it you won't want to eat it any
more.
Eat
what you want to eat but don't hack on others
for stuff you were doing just last week. Are we
going to have to start dividing up restaurants
into "Carb" and "Non-Carb"
sections like with smoking?
If
you feel you need to eat entire packages of Jimmy
Dean sausage for breakfast, lunch and dinner because
"you can," then just keep it to yourself.
Trust me on this...nobody who is watching you
stuff your face with buttered bacon wants to hear
about how the apple they just ate is going to
make them fat and kill them.
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