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When
you've been training and going to gyms for as
long as I have, you witness some pretty bizarre
interpretations of exercises. I'm all for variety
and experimentation (in fact, I wrote a book about
it called "The
Best Exercises You've Never Heard Of) but
these exercises go above and beyond (and not in
a good way).
A
word of warning: do not try these exercises EVER!
1. Trampoline
Presses
Set
yourself up on a bench press station with approximately
5 to 50% more weight than you can safely handle.
Unrack the bar, drop it on your rib cage at 200
m.p.h., then use the elasticity of your bone and
cartilage to get the weight back up. Your rib
cage should bend inwards at least 2 to 3 inches
on each rep.
2. Dumbell Bowling
Tthis
one works only with round dumbells. Do a set of
dumbell flyes. At the end of the set, don't set
the weight down gently. Roll them out of your
hands directly to the sides in an attempt to knock
over the people to either side of you. A broken
toe gets you 5 points while a broken ankle gets
you 20.
3. Spastic Colon Squats
You
don't want to know.
4. Behind-The-Neck Pulldowns to the Waist
Take
a wide grip on the pulldown bar. Set the weight
as light as possible. If you can attach a helium
balloon to it to further reduce the resistance,
that's even better. Pull the bar down behind your
head. Continue the motion down your middle back
until the bar is level with your waistband. Let
the bar up as fast as possible and repeat.
5. Wide Grip Spaz-Chicken Pushdowns
Hook
a pulldown bar to a high pulley. Take a wide grip
on the bar (near the ends). Do a quick pushdown
movement from there. You will look like a chicken
having a panic attack.
6. Finger-In-The-Light-Socket Pull-Ups
This
one doesn't require much of an explanation as
you've probably seen it in action before. If you've
ever seen someone thrash around so hard to complete
a pull-up rep that they kick themselves in the
teeth, you know what I'm talking about.
7. Bug Masher Push-Ups
This
is a variation of the push-up that requires a
lot of abdominal flexibility. Get into the top
push-up position. Now, without bending your arms,
slap your pelvis against the ground as though
trying to squish a bug with it. Flop up and down
repeatedly like this until you either rupture
something or someone comes up and asks you if
you're okay.
8. Hack Machine Back Breakers
Set
up in the hack squat machine facing the machine
instead of the normal way (facing out). Unrack
the sled then lower it down like a front squat.
Be sure to round your back completely over as
you lower the sled down in to the squat. Your
body should resemble a "C" shape (note:
this posture may become permanent after a few
sets).
9. Barbell Bench Presses in a Deserted Gym
This
exercise is the most dangerous one of the bunch.
I used to go to a gym that operated on a card-lock
system so people could get in and work out after
hours when there was no supervision. I came into
the gym later in the evening one day and found
somebody lying on the bench with a heavy barbell
stuck on his chest and yelling for help. I ran
over and pulled it off him as fast as I could.
When I asked him how long he had been stuck under
the bar, he told me about half an hour!!
---
To
finish up on a similar but unrelated topic, I
have one final
word of advice: always make sure the treadmill
has come to a complete stop before you bend down
to tie your shoelace. Neglecting to do so can
result in you being rolled off the end like a
turtle on a conveyor belt. I've seen it happen
and it's not pretty (darn funny but not pretty).
The
prequel to this article "The
Top Ten Most Outrageous Exercises I've Ever Seen"...
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