By Nick Nilsson
Author of 30-Second Ab-Solution
"More is better" is a classic bodybuilding mantra.
If a little of "x" is good, a CRAPLOAD of it should be that much better, right? Absolutely…it's NEVER wrong to totally overdo things.
[Note to those who are new to the concept of sarcasm...this article is NOT real so don't actually TRY any of this stuff!]
Here's a list of my favorite bodybuilding techniques, taken to the MAX.
1. Fascial Stretching...to the MAX
Normally, this is done to stretch the fascia to allow room for the muscle to grow (fascia is the connective tissue sheath that surrounds your muscles, which can limit growth by constricting them). To really take it to the max, whack the snot out of yourself with a cricket bat for an hour every day to really tenderize the fascia, then drink 4 gallons of water to fill up the muscles, then do a couple of minutes of stretching.
2. Creatine MEGA Loading to Increase "Explosive" Power...to the MAX
A "normal" creatine load is 4 teaspoons a day, 5 days in a row...which is total kids stuff. My dog takes more than that. Now let's take it to the MAX and take a full WEEKS worth all at once, then do THAT 4 times a day. And yes, your stomach swelling to 5 times its normal size...that's supposed to happen. That means it's working.
And those horrible noises in your digestive tract...like a tractor stuck in the mud...same deal. This type of creatine MEGA loading will definitely increase your "explosive" power...but not in any way that you'd actually WANT.
3. Low Intensity, Long-Duration Cardio For Fat Loss...to the MAX
We all know that low-intensity cardio training burns primarily fat, right? Time to take it to the max! Reduce the intensity to almost nothing and do it ALL DAY. Just sit quietly on the couch and wiggle your fingers all day. You'll be ripped in a matter of days.
4. Do Bicep and Chest Training ONLY...and to the MAX
Who needs anything else! Working the back and legs is for losers. I am a HUGE fan of that "riding a chicken" look. It just screams balance and proportion. After all, legs are only really useful for transporting your hulking, hunched-over torso from the flat bench to the power rack for some killer barbell curls.
5. Fat Burners...to the MAX
If your nervous system isn't fully activated 100% of the time, you're wasting valuable minutes on "recovery" rather than fat burning.
Because if you want to be able to eat whatever you want and still lose weight, that takes REAL effort and dedication...and insomnia...and jitters...and never operating heavy machinery. Seriously, your metabolism will stay a lot higher when you NEVER sleep.
6. Forced Reps...to the MAX
This is THE best training technique that every total beginner should use. Forced reps should be done on every single set...even your warm-up sets. You can't call yourself a trainer till you've had somebody spot you for 50% of your reps of reverse wrist curls with 6 lb dumbbells.
And stay FAR away from deadlifts...there's just no way to have a spotter do most of the work for you on that exercise. You'll be stuck doing it all yourself...what's the point of having a training partner then?
7. Eat 12 Meals A Day...to the MAX
You don't want to take a chance on your metabolism slowing down by skipping third breakfast...or elevensies. You definitely don't want your body to have to resort to using bodyfat for energy. That would be just insane. And don't forget to set your alarm to wake you up 6 times a night to drink a protein shake.
Better yet, set the alarm for 10 minutes from when you go to sleep then just keep hitting the snooze button all night and sip your shake each time it goes off. That way, you'll get at least 48 protein feedings in an 8 hour night! Totally anabolic, dude.
8. Magazine Supplement Ads Are ALL True...to the MAX
My best advice to you, if you want to build fat and burn muscle would be to take EVERYTHING you see in the magazines. Everything...especially the stuff that has no research behind it, which is actually most of it. You will definitely look like the guys in the pictures if you do (and that goes for you ladies, too).
Yes, the more inert, unsubstantiated crap you can throw down your gullet to cement up your digestive system, the better. It's called "stacking" and it's the best way to make sure you never know what, if anything, is working and what's just giving you diarrhea.
As you can see, it's ALWAYS good to take things too far. More is definitely better, in all circumstances. You'll always get double the results by doing four times as much as you're supposed to.
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